if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
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