I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
