Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
