in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
