Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
