i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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