i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
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