Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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