there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
