I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
