what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
