yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
