Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
