You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
