ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
