I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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