U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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