my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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