bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
