He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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