Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
