As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
