did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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