I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
