the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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