in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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