Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
this will be a night to untag.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I woke up under a house in Key West
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
