rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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