walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
