I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
never play flip cup with pint glasses
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
