Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
