sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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