mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
