Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
