If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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