So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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