hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
