she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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