at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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