I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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