I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
