My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
