dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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