This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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