More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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