I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
