I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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