sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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