And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
