mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
