If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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